her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
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You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
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I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
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