ya dads aren't the best wingmen
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
