My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
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