sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
