I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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