I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
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8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
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Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
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