I showed him my bush... on skype.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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