I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
