...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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