I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
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