How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"