Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
