i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
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