What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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