I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
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There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
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You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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