My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
