Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
How does it feel to date your dad?
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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