On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
