just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
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