One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Randomize
