im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
