Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
