"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
