Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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