i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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