I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Randomize
