it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
