okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Randomize
