How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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