Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
