Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
