Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
