He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
