I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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