sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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