you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
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