Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
