I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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