I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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