So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
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It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
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Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.