When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
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