That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
im holly from the hills drunk
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
