Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Randomize
