no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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