At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
