I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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