so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
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