I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
