i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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