Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
