I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize