...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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