i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
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