so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
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