If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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