i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
