It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Don't make out with my wife yet
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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